o, I told you before that I had been on a date or two with Cullen and for one reason or another we just weren’t clicking. For the life of me I couldn’t understand why… Our conversations were great, but I didn’t laugh much. He was very intelligent. PAUSE ~ I think intelligence is SO sexy and honestly, I was somewhat intimidated by his ability to educate me on a few things. Seriously, when I think of the man I want in my life, intelligence is important. I’m talking more than book smart. I mean brainpower, cleverness, astuteness, true intellect. I want to be a student as well as a teacher in my relationship. And I want a man who is willing to teach and be taught. PLAY ~ But for some reason, I didn’t find him sexy. He was attractive, but when I was with him I never felt compelled to kiss him or be all touchy feely like I can be. But we stayed in contact despite my lack of heartfelt interest.
The consistency of our contact dwindled as my broken heart resurfaced. I was still healing. I thought I was all healed up when I met Cullen. He even asked me once if I was “ready and open to being perused”. Slightly annoyed, I answered with and emphatic, “Yes. I have moved on from my past and I am not interested in going back.” But going back had nothing to do with my healing process. I was going through it! Remember? I wrote in a previous entry “My heart is broken. I thought I was almost done; thought I’d picked up all the pieces and all I had to do was put it back together. But I keep stepping on little fragments. This puzzle is more difficult than I thought.” It had taken months to convince myself that I was “better” and then a few weeks for my emotions to slap me in face, “Hello! Sweetheart, I hate to break it to you, but you are grieving.” And so I did… I cried and mourned and stood still. Being still is not easy, but when all is said and done there is nothing left to say or do. In about 4 weeks following the heartbreak comeback, I started feeling better. It was as if I was dehydrated and someone hooked me up to an IV drip. Slowly, the hydration process was happening.
One day, I sent Cullen a text. “When you return from your trip, let’s go out for drinks.”
He agreed and actually called me a few days prior to our outing. We had a great conversation and I laughed a few times while we chatted. “Do you think you’re a little different now?” Wow. He was so observant. Yes! I was different. I felt lighter, I was less guarded, I was happy, I was…healing. When we met for drinks, I surprise myself with the excitement that shot through me when he walked through the door. “Cullen!” I said as I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him. I think I scared him a little, but he held me tight and did not let go for about 45 seconds to a minute. We sat and talked for six hours. I laughed the entire night and this time when he touched me, I embraced it. I even touched him a few time and was surprise by my own gestures. I was feeling like my old self again. I missed me!
The next day, Cullen called at about 10:00 am. I was all excited inside when I saw his name on my phone. And we talked until 3:30pm! About what? Everything and anything. Including the “rebirth of PSM” as he likes to call it. I realized that my lack of interest was not about him. Aha! It was me. He was only responding to what I had to offer at the time. The disconnect was a direct result of my inability to connect. Not just to him, but to anything or anyone at that time. I was in the midst of grieving.
Although I met him last year, it’s only been over a month since my “rebirth” and Cullen and I are taking our time and getting to know each other. Guards down; slow and steady. But I have to tell you…These days, I laugh all the time when we speak and I cannot keep my hands off him when we are together… I am SO attracted to him. And oh, for the record, he is SO attracted to me too… Ding! Annnd we’rrrre off…
With a pep in my step and the wind in my hair…