“When I’m alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call. Tellin’ me I need a girl who’s as sweet as dove. For the first time in my life I see I need love…” ~ LL Cool J
PAUSE~ Who knew LL was dropping gems like that way back when? And who knew that I’d be alone in my room staring at the wall 20 plus years later?! PLAY~ Lately, I find myself alone and deep in thought about who I am and what I want.
Consistency… I miss it. It has not been easy being consistent in inconsistent times, but I have been. I have been steady in these unstable periods of disappointment, death, uncertainty, etc. I have been unswerving, steady, and unshakable…without flinching. I have not backed down. Do you know what it is to not flinch when the hand of adversity takes a swing at you? I mean, do you really understand what it is to stand firm when the wind at your back and the currents of air coming from the front and sides are pushing with so much force that your knees feel as if they may buckle and your back feels like it’s about to break? The tornado of life hits everybody differently. Some people run for cover, hide and come out when the sun is back. Some get swept away; they are destroyed and never see the sun again. And some, some of us stand right there when the storm hits. Not because we are “gangsta” and we think we can defeat a natural disaster. We just don’t know where else to go. We don’t have the time to run and we are fortunate enough not to get swept away so we stand there, feet firm on the ground until we drop to our knees and turn to faith. And when the storm is over, we take a look around and realize that there is no way we made it through alone; God had to have been present. Surviving that storm was a miracle. And only God makes miracles.
I am a good woman. I remain true to myself in most situations. I’ve learned that being true to me may not always be what’s best for me. And sacrificing too much of me can be to my detriment. I am human. I am not omniscient. I’m just figuring this stuff out as I go along. What I figured out today is that I have a very difficult time functioning in relationships that lack connectivity and consistency. I will not survive in a relationship in which I do feel needed or desired. And I cannot live without communication.