“She’s a good person. But she’s not you. And though you may find it hard to believe I’ve always waited for you.” Damn him… My heart was racing when I read the email. I was calm, but hurt and disappointed in him and myself. I knew better. I don’t know how we always end up back in each other’s “arms”. I’m not talking about a hug. I’m speaking of intimacy. Not sex; intimacy. The conversations, the relations, the comfort that years of loving someone brings, the secrets, the old times, the pain, the happiness, the familiarity, the security…intimacy.
We were speaking frequently again. Okay! Everyday/Night. For hours on end. “PSM, we’ve been on the phone for 3hrs and 39mins,” he said in the middle of one of our almost all night phone conversations. My conscious was heavy and I told him. He is in a relationship and I am not one for playing number two! I’ve done it before and will NEVER do it again. But I have to admit, our history, our connection, our love for one another was out weighing my guilty conscious. Besides, technically we hadn’t done anything wrong. A few conversations between friends… PAUSE ~ Emotional cheating is worse than the physical sometimes. PLAY ~ He’s matured a lot over the years and his circumstances have changed for the better. I missed him. I missed the closeness. I missed having someone to talk to about my day. I missed hearing the smile on someone’s face when they hear my voice. I missed knowing that he wanted to be right next to me. I missed being missed. And he missed me. He misses me now…
One day, I called him. He normally called me, but this day I just picked up and called him. No answer and I didn’t leave a message. He didn’t call back that night. The next morning I wrote him an email… I simply encouraged him to move forward and do not look back. I knew where we were headed and I knew that I could not handle it. Ironically he responded and told me that he was feeling guilty… She called him the night before and asked if he was faithful. He was uncomfortable and so he purposely avoided my call. And it was in that email that he said, “…yes I have been happy. She’s a good person. But she’s not you. And though you may find it hard to believe I’ve always waited for you.” I believe every word… We had an email exchange that ended with me stating the obvious facts… I am not in a place to be friends with a man who I was once in love with and he is not in a place to be friends with a woman to whom he is so connected. “…had it been more, I’d be going crazy right now. I’d be feeling like an ass backwards woman who knows better than to get involved with a man who is involved. The day he drops you and disappears comes before you know it and then you’re left where u started… alone and vulnerable. It is inevitable.”
He and I will always have this unexplainable connection. He told me once that it hurt him to see that others had me and didn’t know what to do with me. Hmph, it hurt me too! Truthfully, he didn’t know what to do with me when he had me either…no matter how many times we tried. The unfortunate, insincerity in all of this… She has no idea that he was back in my “arms” for a while. No clue that he was loving me again or that he never stopped. She has no idea that she is not me… Sigh. That is a sad truth about many relationships. How often does one settle for who they have because one cannot have who they want? It is quite possible that I have been her before in some other relationship… I’ll never know.
God… when “The One” finds me, please let me be “The One” for him too…The one he cannot and will not live without.
Still faithful and smiling… a really BIG smile!
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