My friend, after telling her about my phone escapade, said “So, you’re just hijacking people’s days, huh?” “Wait, what?” I replied. “I mean, he was just going along with his day and here you come sprinkling your little scent all over.”  ~PAUSE~ Okay!  Anyone who knows me knows I love a good perfume.  I have a few signature scents that I will mostly likely NEVER share with you. The idea of my scent lingering in the air, triggering his thoughts and intoxicating him, periodically for the rest of the day… Well, it made me pause for real. ~PLAY~

Seriously, this notion of “hijacking” one’s day speaks to the romantic in me. I love the thought of having someone to hijack my days. Like no matter what is going on, I know at least five plus times throughout the day, I will get lost in a thoughts that make my heart beat a little quicker, put an uncontrollable smile on my face and a deeper sway in my stride. Hijacking my day will cause me to zone out of a convo for a quick sec and get a yearning in the pit of my stomach that reminds me of what’s to come or what has already happened. Hijacking my day might just speak to the sexual creature in me that is always silently waiting to saunter out and get very personal and familiar with the person who has capture my mind…

And so yea… Here’s to hijacking and being hijacked!

XO~

When I took the first step, I felt like I was in a 500 yard dash. “On your marks… Get set… Go!” The gun in my head went off and I jolted out into a race that I’ve not been in for a while. Single.

My friends were running besides me. Parties, dinners, drinks, dancing, flirting, shopping, lunches, drinks, laughing, movies, brunches, drinks, conversations, laughter, life… And then I slowed down and felt this undeniable void. Single.

I was in the back seat of my friend’s car. Driving home from Hampton University’s homecoming—one of the best weekends I’ve had all year. Pause - Hampton stand up!! I love my school and I’m thankful for the education, experiences and friendships that it gave me. —Play. It was the day before my birthday and the knot in my throat made it hard to breathe without crying. My tears fell and I silently faced the fear of being single again. It’s a loneliness for which I am not ready. I suppose I better get ready though!

And honestly, I don’t want to hear that typical advice, “Spend some time with you. Get to know yourself again.”  Um, hello?!? I know me quite well. Well enough to know that I love ME. I thoroughly enjoy my “me time” AND I want a companion; my life partner. My ride or die! I want to be loved and cherished. And I want one of his daily goals to be making me FEEL treasured.

I came to a halt and the overwhelming sense of “single” made me very sad. I try my hardest not to think about it. I don’t want to deal with it. I just want to live and forget that feeling of missing someone. You know like, denial. Yes… I want to deny my single reality. On the days that I cannot avoid my truth, I miss my babe. Deeply. Who cares that it was my decision?

XO~

Anyway, let’s get right to it. I was just talking with a friend who was venting about a guy she slept with. They were secretly getting it on for a few weeks and without any concrete reason or warning they just stopped. “Can you believe I still have not heard from him?”  (Note: she hasn’t reached out either) “I’m so mad I had sex with him.  He wasn’t worth it. Now I have to add another person to my list. I wish I could just erase him!” I laughed when she said that because I can relate.

I remember reading once that a woman’s vagina is like a windowpane. Each time a woman has sex with a man, it’s like putting a finger print on her window. Have you ever seen a dirty window with fingerprints all over it?! So unpleasant. I’ve always said… “I do not want all those prints on my window!” And I am actually very comfortable with my “number.” However, I am well aware of the “I wish HE never happened” syndrome.

As I get older I have a better understanding of whom and what I want. ~PAUSE~ On a good day! I would be a damn liar if I said I’m clear on what I can and cannot deal with in a relationship. I mean, I am in one now and sometimes he does things and I wonder, “Can I deal with this for the rest of my life? Is this a non-negotiable?” Every day I am changing and what I can and cannot tolerate changes. At this point I have realized that it’s not what I can deal with, but what I am willing to deal with that matters most. Because I can deal with a lot, but there are certain things that I choose not to… and I will not! I digress ~PLAY~ There are men that I have dated and in hindsight, I cannot believe they were ever even an option. BUT there is that one who I wish I never slept with. Like I wish I could spray some Windex on him and erase him from my windowpane. Not solely because he was a waste of time, but…

He was terrible in bed. Some men are headaches, but you enjoy their company and they have great conversation and they put it down in the bedroom. So the headache is manageable if it means getting more of that good companionship, a few laughs and a Christian Grey in the bedroom from time-to-time. ~PAUSE~ If you have not read the book Fifty Shades of Grey, you might want to pick it up. I totally enjoyed it. It is not a Pulitzer Prize winning book. It is, however, entertaining. At least I thought it was. And it is sure to give you a few ideas for role playing or new things to try in the bedroom! ~PLAY~ But he was no Christian Grey and his companionship, over time, proved to be pretty wack too. So why the hell did I sleep with him you ask? Well, he was really in to me at first. And he was sweet and attentive and he called often and when we went out we had a good time and I was lonely and he gave me something to do… at the time. I guess I thought I liked him. He definitely had Brooklyn swag. ~PAUSE~ I’m from up Top. (That would be New York to you out-of-towners who were confused.) And let me tell you something… There is something to be said for this NY swagger. (Yes, I’m over the word swag too, but what else should I use?) And a Brooklyn swag is like the cherry on top for a girl like me! ~PLAY~ Anyway! He used to kiss me like we were in high school having a make-out session; getting me all excited and ready to go, but never going all the way.

However, when we did finally go all the way, I wanted to give it back! I was so disappointed. Now, I am mature enough to know that sometimes the first time isn’t the best. So I tried one more time a few weeks later and… NO GOOD!

One day, I had to check him on something and we got into an argument. The days following we kind of faded to black. The short lived affair had ended. He called a few times, but I was over him. I mean honestly, what was he good for? There was nothing about him that made me miss him. The only lasting impression was negative… I wished he had not happened. Like my friend I wanted to erase of own man.

Truthfully, I have. Not from my “number,” I’m always honest about that, but the memory of him went away. Until today…

Oh the memories… I really do need to keep writing my book. I need more space and pages to really share the details of my life’s stories and emotions!

Smiling…

I think the fear of words is something that came about and increased with life’s lessons. Before I truly understood disappointment and heartache, I was in a committed love affair with words and all things expressive. But you can understand how I grew weary of words and all their beauty after being exposed to betrayal, hurt and empty promises, right?

As I mature, I realize the importance of staying in the moment and being honest and present with my thoughts and words. I have been a pretty honest person when it comes to matters of the heart. I don’t take honesty and love lightly. I am also very loyal. For a long time, I wanted to tell a man I loved him and be certain that I would love him forever. And I would still like that to be true. Life has taught me, that people change and when they do so do their feelings. ~PAUSE~ I remember like it was yesterday the day that Mr. Fits Right (My long time followers know that name. For you new-bees, he is an ex-boyfriend with whom I was very much in love) and I had a conversation about our recent break-up. I was puzzled by his inability to continue to try after he had convinced me he would try forever. I dropped my guards and fell deeply in love. And when I questioned his previous words, he responded… “I meant every word when I said it. I don’t feel that way right now. I can’t do it.”  Years later, conversations later, hours of reexamining everything I did and did not do later, I understand the “whys” behind his exit and the personal pressures he was under and the choice he made. That does not change the soul shaking sting I experience when he said, “I don’t feel that way right now.” Nor does it change the joy and passion I felt when he first told me, “You are everything. I don’t need anything else. I don’t want anything else.” I was present in both moments which allowed me to feel every emotion at that time. ~PLAY~

As I type, I realize I’ve developed a desire to write with certainty too. Which really isn’t realistic or fair for my love of expression. Our feelings change daily, moment to moment and we should really accept each one as it comes. How you feel is all yours. Own it and do not apologize for it. But please work to understand your feelings and emotions.  I believe that is most important.

Swimming in feelings and a bunch of emotions that I’ll be back with…

XO~

Nevertheless, there is an undying love that I have learned to put way “back there” and move forward. The truth is I like it there; all tucked away in my heart safe from drama, and the possibility of failure. Because, well, it has already expired.  That run is over and nothing can take away or ruin what we had. Some memories I want to keep forever.

Back in 2001 my childhood sweetheart, oldest and closest male friend was murdered. I was devastated. I tried to keep in touch with his family, but hated myself for my uncontrollable breakdowns each time I was around his sister or spoke with his mom. After all, wasn’t I supposed to be a source of support for them? Surely his mother was not supposed to console me! But she did and one day when I apologized for my inability to keep my emotions in check, she told me something I will never forget. She encouraged me to bask in the emotions brought on by my heart’s longing for him and my sadness. “Hold on to him and miss him as much as you want because one day you won’t. The feelings will fade and the intensity will be gone. So hold on to it with everything you have right now. Feel it for as long as you can.” That was so freeing for me. She instructed me to feel and be emotional and be happy that I had all of it because the magnitude of every feeling I had would one day be just a memory and a feeling that I may never feel again. ~PAUSE~ Just writing that is a lot. It is so real and powerful… The knot I have in my throat is a ball of loss, sadness, appreciation and clarity. ~PLAY~

To you, the one(s) I loved and still love despite our ending… There are days that I miss you with enormity. You… the things you did, the way you did, when you did. The conversations… the things you said, the way you said, when you said. The love… the way you loved me, when you loved me right. And the love we made… the way we made the love we made. There are days when I dig deep into my heart and visit you and me in the past. I smile a smile for us, my heart skips a beat, my mouth waters and I close my eyes. Take it all in. Inhale slowly. Exhale the past, open my eyes and become present. Those memories are not my reality, but I’m happy I have them and had you. Truth is memories are just that… past.

Present…

It was years before I realized I want to be with a man who is FOCUSED on me. Sure, he has other responsibilities, but I want him to make me feel like nothing is more important than me. ~PAUSE~ I’ve dated men with children, and I’ve made exceptions for the kids. I cannot respect a man who puts off his children for anyone! I know it is judgmental, but my past governs my emotions and I was put off because my father could not handle his “new family” and his “old daughter.” Ironically, he did the same thing with my older brother from a different mother. It’s safe to say my unsatisfied desire to be No. 1 in my father’s life has found its way into the present day expectations I place on a man. ~PLAY~So if/when I date a man with a kid(s), he must know how to make me feel like a priority while keeping his children at the top of his list.

Trust and honesty are not to be negotiated… in MY relationships. I know women who are in relationships with well-established, Ivy League-degree holding men who pay the bills, but lie religiously. They lie about everything from the people they know, to the women they have or have not attempted to hit on, to where they spend the night. I cannot deal with a lying man. If I can’t trust you, I can’t rock with you. Some women have made “the resume” of a man a priority. And that is their right. It is important to them. I’ve heard women who are married to professional sports players say, “Broke men cheat, too. I rather be with a rich man who cheats.” ~PAUSE~ Listen, people tell themselves all type of ish to make themselves feel better about what they’ve made a priority, if they sense society frowns on it. Truth is, if you are comfortable with a cheating man, do you! But I’m not… Just because I’m not comfortable doesn’t mean the man I’m with won’t cheat; anything is possible. It just means what happens should he cheat and I find out maybe a lot different than the actions of a woman who has not made monogamy a priority. ~PLAY~

You have to be okay with what works for you. Forget society and the outside world. They are not by your side at night. They are not there when you are alone with your thoughts. Yes, I know most of us are quite concerned with the ideals we’ve been conditioned to believe are best for our lives. Well, now that you’ve lived a bit, I challenge you to take a minute and evaluate your own life. What makes you tick? What makes you happy? What hurts you deeply? Are you a very sexual person? What type of people bring out the best and worse in you? Once you’ve given the above, and more, some thought, determine what you can and cannot do without in a relationship. Establish your non-negotiables and enjoy your significant other/dating life.

Do me a favor though, don’t hit ‘em with all of this heavy chat on the first date… You don’t always have to TELL people who you want them to be or what you’re looking for in personality. Let them SHOW you who they are. After all, nobody wants to be with the representative; the real person always shows up at some point. That’s when the conversations really begin and things get interesting, better or worse.

Okay, I think I’ve made my point.

Still learning me and evaluating…XO~

I am madly in love with a man and either I’ve not met him or I have, but he’s not yet developed into who he needs to be to be THE man for me. Today I realized that I have been so busy living life that I’ve stopped dreaming and optimistically moving towards the love I’ve prayed for, the love my life is preparing me for. The realization came to me after I stumbled upon a poem I wrote in February 2008. I think I may have posted it years ago in an earlier entry, but it set flame to my heart’s passion today and I want to share…

Nice To Meet You…

Opened my eyes
Smiled for the future
Grateful for the present
Blessed in the past
I am thankful
I’ve loved with all my heart
Hurt
Heartbroken with pain that left me unable to breathe
I’ve been in a place that allowed inhale, but attempts to exhale result in choking tears
Weakened in my security
Strengthened in my faith
God is the reason I am here today
Today, I opened my eyes and smiled for the love that will come again
And I’ll talk out loud to my baby
Don’t know where he is
But he hears me
Feels me
When I speak out with ease
And say…
I can’t wait to meet you
I can’t wait to make love to you
I want to take my time with you
Grow with you
Learn with you
Learn you
Suffocate each other with expression and emotion
And breathe love with you to balance it out
I can’t wait to love you
See you
Know you
Look at you
I wonder what your eyes look like
I want to understand your mind’s process
Let the inner me converse with your soul
I want to know you
I want to miss you
Come home and take my panties off at the door because I can’t wait to feel you
I want to hold you
Be with you
Laugh with you
Look at the family we created and smile
With you
I can’t wait to meet you
And TELL you that I love you
Because I already do

Here’s to my dreams… And yours!

XO~

PSM

I recently celebrated a birthday. The best gift I received was from my father. ~PAUSE~ I know right?! Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know that the relationship I have with my father is strained. It has been for years. He is the reason I fear abandonment amongst other many other things. ~PLAY~ Surprisingly he called me a few days before my birthday and shared that he was reflecting on a conversation he had with his father when he was around my age. He said my grandfather was very serious and spoke of things he had not yet shared with my father. When he asked my grandfather why he chose to share these poignant words to live by at that moment, my grandfather simply said, “You’re a man now.”

I am a grown-ass woman and a few days before my birthday my father decided to give me what may have been the best advice I have ever received… from him.  After telling his side of the story… “I was going through things too” and maybe that’s “why I wasn’t there like I should have been” and “I know I scarred you.” My father finally said, “PSM, by no means am I attempting to rid myself of the responsibility. I know I was not who you needed me to be. I don’t want this to come across the wrong way, but I want you to move forward despite me. Pull yourself up by the boot-straps and be the best you can be despite who I was or was not. Keep on keeping on; don’t let me stop you from all the greatness that awaits you. Don’t let ME get in YOUR way.”

I cried silently as my father challenged me to move forward despite him. Like a fine needle, his words pierced the in bubble in my heart that holds a lifetime of questions, unexplained feelings, emotions, and actions. It was if he had given me permission to accept all that I have struggled, but only if I promise not to let it hold me down. It was as if he said, “Yes, yes, I have F-ed your life up thus far, but don’t you dare allow me to mess it up any more!”

My heartbeat is still irregular. The bubble is still there. But the grief within is slowly fighting its way out of that tiny little hole created by the best gift my father ever gave me.
Exposed…

His life was different than mine. He never talked about it, but like him, I was observant. I lived in two two family house with my mother; my cousins and uncles lived upstairs. I went to private school. My mother drove me to school everyday. I played sports after school and participated in after school programs. He went to school. But when hustling became an option for young dudes, he did. Most did it for the floss of it. ~PAUSE~ For those of you who aren’t up on common colloquialisms, floss means to show off.  So when I say the floss of it, I mean kids were doing to buy the latest sneakers, chains and clothing. Whatever their parents wouldn’t or couldn’t give them. ~PLAY~ I believe he did it to survive and for his family. Eventually he stopped going to school.

I cannot imagine what type of chaos was going on in his life and it really didn’t matter what was going on in mine. As young kids, seeing each other, talking to each other every night on the phone, flirting innocently, believing that our little romance was the most important thing in the world brought an unreal sense of peace to my life.

Peace, isn’t that love? Love should be the calm in our storms, be the peace in our chaotic lives. Unfortunately, far too often love IS the storm…

Reminiscing,

I remember an ex professing his love via text. “I’m in love with you. I would stop everything to be with you, if you wanted,” he wrote… and he’s married. Now, work with me. I am dead against messing with another woman’s husband! ~PAUSE~ All you judgmental folks calm down. ~PLAY~  Please know, I was totally in love with this man once.

In my entire dating career I have sacrificed my happiness for others at some point. I say “others” and not just men because I have made exceptions for their children, baby mommas, mothers, homeboys, etc. And the only person to blame was me! When I received the text from this man who I once loved enough to trust in weary situations – this man who I believed in more than he did himself, this man whose love fell on my heart and never left – I believed him.  I sat and thought long and hard about what I wanted. Maybe he was it.

Some people take this bull, called life, by the horns and make stuff happen. Others let life happen to them. He had an amazing way of painting himself as the victim in every situation. If his situation were different, things would be different. After all, his other “situation” was the reason why he couldn’t be the man I wanted and needed years ago. And since he never had the heart to change his situation, I changed mine and left… for good.

I’ll admit, when the text came through, I opened the vault where I had securely locked away my love for him. I remembered how wonderful it used to feel to be with him. I daydreamt about the possibilities I had never allowed myself to think. Before I was terrified of the disappointment. My heart fluttered with excitement at the possibilities. Maybe I wanted this? Maybe I wanted us? Maybe I wanted him to stop everything for me? Maybe we will just say “F the world” and live happily ever after? Maybe we should talk about it? And he agreed.

And then, he disappeared after a few days of brief phone calls and text messages full of emotions. He faded to black. Imagine that? He gave his word, his impeccable word, and never kept it. It was like déjà vu. His situations may have changed, but he did not. He still sold me a dream he could never fulfill. And there I was open like a dream catcher. My heart was open, blowing in the wind hoping to catch the possibilities of us. Again. ~PAUSE ~ Seriously, sometimes I’m too poetic for myself! A dream catcher blowing in the wind?! I know! It sounds sappy and hopeless, but it’s true. Have you ever seen a dream catcher? The concept is open and optimistic. It’s a strange looking circle with holes and feathers, typically suspended over one’s bed waiting to catch a dream. Do you understand the power of optimism and faith? It keeps me going and always reminds me that there is more, perhaps the best is yet to come. ~PLAY~

I was so annoyed with myself for opening that vault. That hope for him, that love for him was never supposed to see light again… and it won’t.

I saw him by accident a few weeks after his disappearing act. “Hey, PSM. Good to see you.” I responded, “It’s good to be seen.” He gave me a weak smile, barely able to look me in the eyes. He tried to make conversation. But my heart was cold. There was nothing left here for him. Ironically, I believe that’s what he wanted. He never was one to have courage enough to stand up and make a move. He was always a coward. You know, like a dude who shoots you in the back after you thought the beef was squashed.

I was angry. I’m at peace with it now. I thought he changed because his situations changed. You see, change is temporary. Water turns to ice in freezing temperature, but ice melts… back to water in heat.

So what’s the moral of this memory? When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If you couldn’t deal with them then, you probably won’t be able to deal with them now… unless you both transform.

I had to remind myself, if I walked away from someone, I did it after a lot of thought and consideration. I had weighed all the pros and cons. I now trust the me of yesterday and leave the past.. where? Back there!