My friend, after telling her about my phone escapade, said “So, you’re just hijacking people’s days, huh?” “Wait, what?” I replied. “I mean, he was just going along with his day and here you come sprinkling your little scent all over.”  ~PAUSE~ Okay!  Anyone who knows me knows I love a good perfume.  I have a few signature scents that I will mostly likely NEVER share with you. The idea of my scent lingering in the air, triggering his thoughts and intoxicating him, periodically for the rest of the day… Well, it made me pause for real. ~PLAY~

Seriously, this notion of “hijacking” one’s day speaks to the romantic in me. I love the thought of having someone to hijack my days. Like no matter what is going on, I know at least five plus times throughout the day, I will get lost in a thoughts that make my heart beat a little quicker, put an uncontrollable smile on my face and a deeper sway in my stride. Hijacking my day will cause me to zone out of a convo for a quick sec and get a yearning in the pit of my stomach that reminds me of what’s to come or what has already happened. Hijacking my day might just speak to the sexual creature in me that is always silently waiting to saunter out and get very personal and familiar with the person who has capture my mind…

And so yea… Here’s to hijacking and being hijacked!

XO~

When I took the first step, I felt like I was in a 500 yard dash. “On your marks… Get set… Go!” The gun in my head went off and I jolted out into a race that I’ve not been in for a while. Single.

My friends were running besides me. Parties, dinners, drinks, dancing, flirting, shopping, lunches, drinks, laughing, movies, brunches, drinks, conversations, laughter, life… And then I slowed down and felt this undeniable void. Single.

I was in the back seat of my friend’s car. Driving home from Hampton University’s homecoming—one of the best weekends I’ve had all year. Pause - Hampton stand up!! I love my school and I’m thankful for the education, experiences and friendships that it gave me. —Play. It was the day before my birthday and the knot in my throat made it hard to breathe without crying. My tears fell and I silently faced the fear of being single again. It’s a loneliness for which I am not ready. I suppose I better get ready though!

And honestly, I don’t want to hear that typical advice, “Spend some time with you. Get to know yourself again.”  Um, hello?!? I know me quite well. Well enough to know that I love ME. I thoroughly enjoy my “me time” AND I want a companion; my life partner. My ride or die! I want to be loved and cherished. And I want one of his daily goals to be making me FEEL treasured.

I came to a halt and the overwhelming sense of “single” made me very sad. I try my hardest not to think about it. I don’t want to deal with it. I just want to live and forget that feeling of missing someone. You know like, denial. Yes… I want to deny my single reality. On the days that I cannot avoid my truth, I miss my babe. Deeply. Who cares that it was my decision?

XO~

I think the fear of words is something that came about and increased with life’s lessons. Before I truly understood disappointment and heartache, I was in a committed love affair with words and all things expressive. But you can understand how I grew weary of words and all their beauty after being exposed to betrayal, hurt and empty promises, right?

As I mature, I realize the importance of staying in the moment and being honest and present with my thoughts and words. I have been a pretty honest person when it comes to matters of the heart. I don’t take honesty and love lightly. I am also very loyal. For a long time, I wanted to tell a man I loved him and be certain that I would love him forever. And I would still like that to be true. Life has taught me, that people change and when they do so do their feelings. ~PAUSE~ I remember like it was yesterday the day that Mr. Fits Right (My long time followers know that name. For you new-bees, he is an ex-boyfriend with whom I was very much in love) and I had a conversation about our recent break-up. I was puzzled by his inability to continue to try after he had convinced me he would try forever. I dropped my guards and fell deeply in love. And when I questioned his previous words, he responded… “I meant every word when I said it. I don’t feel that way right now. I can’t do it.”  Years later, conversations later, hours of reexamining everything I did and did not do later, I understand the “whys” behind his exit and the personal pressures he was under and the choice he made. That does not change the soul shaking sting I experience when he said, “I don’t feel that way right now.” Nor does it change the joy and passion I felt when he first told me, “You are everything. I don’t need anything else. I don’t want anything else.” I was present in both moments which allowed me to feel every emotion at that time. ~PLAY~

As I type, I realize I’ve developed a desire to write with certainty too. Which really isn’t realistic or fair for my love of expression. Our feelings change daily, moment to moment and we should really accept each one as it comes. How you feel is all yours. Own it and do not apologize for it. But please work to understand your feelings and emotions.  I believe that is most important.

Swimming in feelings and a bunch of emotions that I’ll be back with…

XO~

I recently celebrated a birthday. The best gift I received was from my father. ~PAUSE~ I know right?! Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know that the relationship I have with my father is strained. It has been for years. He is the reason I fear abandonment amongst other many other things. ~PLAY~ Surprisingly he called me a few days before my birthday and shared that he was reflecting on a conversation he had with his father when he was around my age. He said my grandfather was very serious and spoke of things he had not yet shared with my father. When he asked my grandfather why he chose to share these poignant words to live by at that moment, my grandfather simply said, “You’re a man now.”

I am a grown-ass woman and a few days before my birthday my father decided to give me what may have been the best advice I have ever received… from him.  After telling his side of the story… “I was going through things too” and maybe that’s “why I wasn’t there like I should have been” and “I know I scarred you.” My father finally said, “PSM, by no means am I attempting to rid myself of the responsibility. I know I was not who you needed me to be. I don’t want this to come across the wrong way, but I want you to move forward despite me. Pull yourself up by the boot-straps and be the best you can be despite who I was or was not. Keep on keeping on; don’t let me stop you from all the greatness that awaits you. Don’t let ME get in YOUR way.”

I cried silently as my father challenged me to move forward despite him. Like a fine needle, his words pierced the in bubble in my heart that holds a lifetime of questions, unexplained feelings, emotions, and actions. It was if he had given me permission to accept all that I have struggled, but only if I promise not to let it hold me down. It was as if he said, “Yes, yes, I have F-ed your life up thus far, but don’t you dare allow me to mess it up any more!”

My heartbeat is still irregular. The bubble is still there. But the grief within is slowly fighting its way out of that tiny little hole created by the best gift my father ever gave me.
Exposed…