I was on the phone last night with a friend who was going on about whom he perceives me to be.  ”You have a very strong personality.”  PAUSE ~ Yep! As a matter of fact I do!  And I am pretty eloquent if given the opportunity to give you my well thought out opinion.  I mean… what?  Men always love you for your sass until your sass challenges them and brings them out of their comfort zone.  We are all developing and there will be times when my strong personality will be put in check and on hold by a strong valid opinion or thought.  Right is right.  I am not always right.  I bend… But I won’t break!  Bet that! PLAY ~ I sat there and listened to my friend tell me how he perceived me and who he believes I am. Some of it was dead on, but some of it was the story he has made up about me based on his life and the experiences he has had.  It’s like what I learned when reading The Four Agreements PAUSE ~ GET THE BOOK and read it!  It will change your life.  It has changed mine! PLAY ~ Don’t take things personal.  The way a person views you has nothing to do with you.  Their perception is based on their reality and everyone’s reality is based on their experiences and history.  I am not saying that you can go crazy and say to someone, “Ain’t nothing wrong with me.  You’re just soft and you don’t know how to deal with a real live chick like me!”  NO!  Please, that is NOT correct.  You know right from wrong, but note some things that are right for you might be dead wrong for others.

After he went on telling me about me, I said, “You know what? I am me! And while I will always work to be better, I can only be me…”  The truth is people are always going to have something to say.  Some opinions are valid and it will be up to you to make the proper adjustments for your own development.  I just want us all to make peace with who we are… The good, the bad and the ugly. We are each a work in progress.  Never stop working on you, but like that quote says “Be YOU, everyone else is taken.”

Still me… and you won’t find another!

XO ~

PSM

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PAUSE~ Who knew LL was dropping gems like that way back when? And who knew that I’d be alone in my room staring at the wall 20 plus years later?! PLAY~ Lately, I find myself alone and deep in thought about who I am and what I want.

Consistency… I miss it.  It has not been easy being consistent in inconsistent times, but I have been.  I have been steady in these unstable periods of disappointment, death, uncertainty, etc.  I have been unswerving, steady, and unshakable…without flinching. I have not backed down. Do you know what it is to not flinch when the hand of adversity takes a swing at you? I mean, do you really understand what it is to stand firm when the wind at your back and the currents of air coming from the front and sides are pushing with so much force that your knees feel as if they may buckle and your back feels like it’s about to break? The tornado of life hits everybody differently.  Some people run for cover, hide and come out when the sun is back.  Some get swept away; they are destroyed and never see the sun again.  And some, some of us stand right there when the storm hits.  Not because we are “gangsta” and we think we can defeat a natural disaster.  We just don’t know where else to go. We don’t have the time to run and we are fortunate enough not to get swept away so we stand there, feet firm on the ground until we drop to our knees and turn to faith.  And when the storm is over, we take a look around and realize that there is no way we made it through alone; God had to have been present. Surviving that storm was a miracle. And only God makes miracles.

I am a good woman.  I remain true to myself in most situations.  I’ve learned that being true to me may not always be what’s best for me.  And sacrificing too much of me can be to my detriment. I am human.  I am not omniscient. I’m just figuring this stuff out as I go along.  What I figured out today is that I have a very difficult time functioning in relationships that lack connectivity and consistency. I will not survive in a relationship in which I do feel needed or desired. And I cannot live without communication.

Period…

XO~
PSM

Which brings me to this… I was with a lady I know about a month ago.  She has been engaged for quite a few months.  Totally happy; or so I thought.  During our conversation she eluded to the fact that she just might be taking her ring off and ending the engagement.  Why?  That’s not important… I was surprised when she said it, but recognized that all relationships have challenges and maybe she was just going through a rough time. Fast forward… I was with her the other day and I happened to look at her hand and noticed that her beautiful engagement ring was gone!  My heart sank for her, but I didn’t say a word.  It just wasn’t my place.  I was saddened at the thought of her pain.  Imagine finding the man of your dreams and planning your life with him only to have  a change of plans.  It doesn’t really matter why, or when or how.  There has been a change of hearts; a moment of “maybe not” and if you are truly vested, the change will hurt. I’ve been thinking of the disappointment she has probably been feeling and that fact that she seems so “okay”. I hope she isn’t suffering.  And imagine her discomfort every time someone notices and says, “Where’s your ring?”.  Sigh…

The truth is, we never know where life and love will take us.  Things happen, and after all change is the only constant.  We make all these plans and then life happens.  I just want to impress upon you the importance of finding peace and strength within yourself.  I know all too well how lonely it is when all of your friends are married and having children and you don’t even have a man.  I know how lonely it is to be with a man who is there physically, but mentally, he’s just not with you.  I know the how hard it is to balance being overjoyed with the developments in your friends lives, but deeply saddened at yet another failed relationship.  I know what it is to look in the mirror and demand strength from yourself because depression and hopelessness are not an option.

My girl Jill Scott says it best…

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving 
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing
I keep
I keep smiling when I come thru …and I cry when I need too.
I keep… don’t you stop!

XO ~

PSM

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“PSM, I am engaged to get married. I wanted to call you and tell you, but after I told her about what happened between me and you awhile back, she asked if I would refrain from speaking to you.  I rather you hear it from me than someone else…I apologize for any pain or strife I’ve caused you within our journey.  With all the pain we experienced together, loving you made it worth it.”

PAUSE ~ WOW!!! Okay, let me gather my thoughts… What am I feeling?  There is no emotion.  Like Jay-Z says in one of my favorite songs, “A face of stone, was shocked on the other end of the phone…” Wow, he finally did it. What was the last conversation we had about her?  What had he said?  How did he feel about her? How did he feel about me?  How did I feel about him?  Take a minute and think. PLAY ~

Oh, yes!  That’s it.  I’m back. I remember… We were at the salon.  He called me frantically, “Are you with him? Did he spend the night?”  Really? Ahh, no! “It is 9:30 in the morning and I am at the salon getting my hair done.  I have a date later.”  I was very honest with him.  We’ve done this dance for years, so when he walked into the salon thirty minutes later, I had to laugh.  I smiled, “What’s up Sunshine?”  He went on to grill me about my feelings for “this new dude”. I tried with all I had to explain that “this new guy” was not the reason I would not give us another chance.  We’ve done this for years and sometimes people just have too much history.  “I do love you, but I cannot be with you.  I do not want to be with you after all we have been through.  I do not want to be in a relationship with you and your baby’s mother.” PAUSE ~ That chick is crazy!  Literally.  I refuse to spend the rest of my life in a relationship with a man who has to have a connection to her!  NOPE…not me. He never really got that situation under control.  He always blamed it on the circumstances. A quote (Tony Robbins) “It’s your decisions, not the conditions which shape your life.” He decided years ago. PLAY ~ “I do not want to give my energy to the negativity that constantly arises in our relationship.  And while the good times are great, the bad times are worse.  I am passed the point of giving to you.  I have nothing left to give you.”  Let me be clear.  It hurt me to say that so bluntly, but he kept assuming it was him or “the new dude” and that wasn’t the case.  Even if I had no other option at that point, I still would not have rekindled with him.  We have an unbelievable connection, a true friendship, and a history of love and so much pain that I’m considering writing a movie about us! (I’m kidding, but you get the picture. He just might make the book though!)  My faith in what is to come and the wonderful man I am going to marry and with whom I will build an amazing life allowed me to say to Sunshine without doubt, “I love you, but love isn’t everything and we will never be together again.”

Even with the finality of that conversation, he called me later that day and asked if we could hang out.  I said no.  He apologized later for coming at me so hard and promised to never do it again.  Guess he was telling the truth…

He used to tell me, “Nobody will ever love you the way I do.”  Well, that maybe true.  If that kind love was for me, I’d be writing a different blog entry and sending out save the dates!  He is a good man. Loving, family oriented, God-fearing, loyal… but he is not the man for me. And so I wrote back, “Congrats, Sunshine! God is the best planner. I’m happy you’re happy. All the best and thanks for telling me.” I’ll always care about him, but I left that out of the text.  No need to tell him what we both already know.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program…

Sassy and smiling!

XO ~

PSM

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Every once in a while something happens in life that teaches us a valuable lesson and we will make a change, if we know what good for us.

By now you know that I am opinionated and outspoken.  I say what is on my mind and I do not make apologies for who I am… unless I am wrong.  When I am wrong, I admit it and never forget it. I am an emotional and expressive woman.  I don’t believe in pulling punches and playing games.  I speak my heart; the good and the bad. When it’s all good, men love me for it.  It helps put their egos at ease; it leaves very little room for doubt on their part.  PAUSE ~  I am not saying to be an all-telling fool without mystery or discretion.  I am just suggesting that you show a little charm and exercise a little charisma and sass by letting a man know we are interested without being a doormat.  If he doesn’t reciprocate, then you know that he is not for you and you can walk away. Find someone who is into you…  Next! PLAY~ Oh, but when it’s bad most men can’t handle it.  Ladies, the male ego is very fragile.  I liken it to a piece of crystal.  In the right form, it is beautiful and it stands on its own. Oftentimes so attractive you want to touch it and take it home with you.  When it chips, you turn it around so the smooth side is facing outwards.  But should it fall and chatter… Hmp, you just might be better off leaving it there.  The cuts you may receive attempting to put it back together may not be worth it!  And then you have those works of art that are so beautiful, you are willing to cut your hand up as long as you can still use the hand when all is said and done.

I was downright disrespectful, out of order and out of control during one of my “I have abandonment issues” rants. He is always so accessible and for the first time in months, I couldn’t reach him for a few hours.  It was as if all of the time that we put in previously meant nothing as my mind made up all different scenarios and wondered if he was losing interest.  CRAZY!  I had just spoken to him for hours earlier that day and he had texted me twice.  PAUSE ~ I was bugging and I can admit that.  If I could do it all over again, God knows I would have responded differently, but what’s done is done. PLAY~ I’ve said it before… “Everything ain’t for everybody” and disrespect ain’t for him!  My behavior was unacceptable. I cannot rationalize what I did.  I lost control.  I allowed my “conditions and issues” to govern my actions. My “daddy issues” were all up in this episode.  Why?  Why would I allow my issues with my father (who has already caused enough heartache in my life) to cast a dark cloud over me in this wonderful relationship?  I cannot answer that.  But what I can tell you is this… It will never happen again.

A friend of mine said to me once, “Let’s be honest, there are times when our bosses say something completely inappropriate to us and we want to reach across the desk and wild out. We can’t.” And while there are quite a few stories of down right nasty and mean bosses getting what they deserve, more often than not, we have to sit there and exercise restraint.  We don’t wild out, we don’t tell them where they can put their job and opinion.  We just listen and respond with a level headed reaction.  We all know how to practice self-discipline, but we do not always do it.  There are so many things in this life that we cannot control, but want to.  I can’t focus on them.  What I can control, I will…ME!

And the beat plays on…

XO~

PSM

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Unfortunately, I have a history of beating myself up for things I cannot change. I dwell on the past and constantly ask myself how things would be if I hadn’t made the mistake. A waste of time… how would I ever know? We cannot buy back time.

I woke up this morning fixated on the makings of yesterday; saddened by the thoughts of all of the negatives that could come from my actions. I almost lost myself. I know better. I just challenged you a few weeks ago to “Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind…” I had to remind myself of that promise.

I am committed to being the best me. I know my best will vary from day to day. And if I fail at being the best me one day, I cannot spend my time on what could have been done. I am determined to just keep pressing on and doing what I can. I do not have energy to waste on yesterday. It will only be to my detriment. PAUSE ~ It has been the route of depression in the past. Spending hours, days, months lost in thoughts of “what ifs” and feeling sorry for myself. I will never do that again. PLAY ~ I work every day to be a better me, but I must admit one of my downfalls is reliving the past in my mind and focusing on what I cannot change. And as I was reminding myself of this Promise and commitment to “Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.” I remembered a yet another quote…

“I am amazed by how many individuals mess up every new day with yesterday. They insist on bringing into today the failures of yesterday and in doing so pollute a potentially wonderful day.” —Gary Chapman

It’s A NEW DAY folks! Thank God for a new start…

Good morning!

XO~

PSM

I am really comfortable in my own skin and it is safe to say that some people hate me for it. PAUSE ~ Hi Hater!!! I wonder how they feel spending energy hating me; energy that could truly be spent doing something a little more productive. PLAY ~ I mean, personally, I have my own insecurities, but I am happy being me. ALL of me! Sure I’d like to drop a few pounds, but I. LOVE. ME! Always have; always will. I have failed at a few things and prospered with others. I’ve done a really great job and I’ve done okay. I’ve made some smile and I’ve made some really angry; I’ve even hurt a few feelings, but I’ve also loved and been really good to many. While I have experienced things that have shaken me to my core, I have NEVER been broken… and I never will. Ever!

With that, I want to instill in all of you the importance of self belief and strength. If you don’t believe in you, why would anyone else? If you can’t stand on your own and carry yourself, why should anyone else? Remember who you are, and if by chance you are not happy with “the man in the mirror,” make a change. Yesterday and today, some things occurred that really upset me and while the incidents did not break me, they did upset me. I could not place my finger on my feelings — there were many…

I was working and attempting to calm myself and refocus, I looked up at my vision board. And there was one of my favorite quotes; I hadn’t read in a while…

“Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.” Christian D. Larson

Keep going, people! I’m right there with you in the pursuit.

Sincerely… (So sincere with this…)

XO~

PSM

I am really comfortable in my own skin and it is safe to say that some people hate me for it.  PAUSE ~ Hi Hater!!! I wonder how they feel spending energy hating me; energy that could truly be spent doing something a little more productive. PLAY ~ I mean, personally, I have my own insecurities, but I am happy being me.  ALL of me!  Sure I’d like to drop a few pounds, but I. LOVE. ME!  Always have; always will.  I have failed at a few things and prospered with others. I’ve done a really great job and I’ve done okay. I’ve made some smile and I’ve made some really angry; I’ve even hurt a few feelings, but I’ve also loved and been really good to many. While I have experiences things that have shaken me to my core, I have NEVER been broken… and I never will. Ever!

With that, I want to instill in all of you the importance of self belief and strength.  If you don’t believe in you, why would anyone else?  If you can’t stand on your own and carry yourself, why should anyone else?  Remember who you are and if by chance you are not happy with “the man in the mirror”; make a change.  Yesterday and today, some things occurred that really upset me and while the incidents did not break me, they did upset me.  I could not place my finger on my feelings; there were many…

I was working and attempting to calm myself and refocus,  I looked up at my vision board. And there was one of my favorite quotes; I hadn’t read in a while…

“Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.  Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.  Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best.  Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.  Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.  Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”  - Christian D. Larson

Keep going, people!  I’m right there with you in the pursuit.

Sincerely… (So sincere with this…)

XO~

PSM

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